Journal Entry from April 3, 2005

Feeling a bit depressed, but it seems without due reason. I almost cried ten times this morning and I had no idea why. Now though, sitting in the sunlight, some small amount of clarity is shining its way through. I need the spring, the sunlight, the breeze, the peaceful dreaming, the bustling of neighbors, and the peaceful quiet of my backyard. I guess I don't mind outward chaos and activity if I can find my own 10 Ft of space. If I can be burdenless for awhile, I will be fine. I said that I needed a vacation. Its kindof funny, because while I am sitting here, softly molded in my chair, writing in my book, surrounded by spring; I know that this is it. Even if only for an hour, this is my vacation. And I am so thankful for it.
I feel closer to God out here. No need to move, just basking in His sunlight. Unmoving while He breathes on me, the wind. Thankful just to be alive at this moment, this day. Realizing that I've been so absorbed in the past (long past), wanting to be there because I felt the divine thread; but now knowing that it is everywhere, in every time, every moment. I only have to look for it, sit still long enough to recognize that it has probably always been there waiting for me to notice its boundless existence.
I think I don't recognize it enough in other people and I start to climb downward, as if I'm shying away from darkness looming. I know I often don't feel at home here on this earth, around these people. I know I've often realized, painfully, my alienness. And sometimes it goes unnoticed to my conscious mind, yet I think I am always aware of it on some level. I often don't like what I see. The excuses people give, the automatic way in which people function and carry out their lives. I see it in my own life, how I mimic human uselessness.
I wish I could see the beauty more, the way in which it wraps its protective wings around the tired and the cold hardness of things. I am so happy and light when I can see it. And with it comes the painful revelation that while its always really there, I choose not to see it. I choose my life, the way I think. My reactions are mine alone and not some wretched gift from a dark God. I have to start believing that I own my reactions. That they are only a part of my being because I let them. I invite them in and complain the next minute of its thoughtless interference.
What is my goal here? Why am I Rachel? What is her purpose? What does the end of the road look like? And How much does it differ from what it is supposed to look like? What I planned and hoped it would be before my birth? Even I, the alien from who knows where, could not have incarnated without purpose, without reason. I don't think that I want to come back again if I have to recycle my self on the edge of this endless circle. I want to choose where I go, be free of the captivity of reincarnation. So what am I not learning? What am I not doing to fulfill my souls intent?
I know my being needs the light and yet somehow I am comforted by the darkness. I am afraid that I may actually be a walking paradox.