JOURNAL ENTRY FROM 12-13-03

Pondering times of light vs. times of darkness. The light - things small, easy, feeling floating light. The dark - important, surreal, confusing and heavy. In the light I am feeling good because.....I am being "good". But the dark is so necessary. I know that it takes exploring the darkness to understand the light. In the dark, I feel chaotic - because I dont know where Im headed, (destination unknown), unclear - and truth be told - Im terrified and exhilerated all at once. I learn so much and gain tremendous clarity. Who is it that says I always "jump off the deep end"? A motherly voice....her intention to protect. My resistance comes again and again but my guilt grows to mammoth proportions. Maybe theres a key Im missing. Maybe when wandering through darkness - in order to find our way through - its wise to take with us an amount of the light weve attained previous to the darkness (ie. flashlight). Maybe thats what Im not getting. Maybe thats why in the darkness it feels so wrong. Im not wandering, equiped with knowledge. I wander naked, like a fool, that never really learned anything at all. Which she has!!!
She learns easy - just doesnt want to accept certain certainties.....she has to infulence, inspire, reach out and be the light......somehow....without her light. WOW
Its extremely impossible to lead without a light. So whats my light here? Honesty? The willingness to let go? Desirelessness for some return of love? This I do know - in growth, there is an inevitable amount of pain.........