For Shanti

Im sorry for the anger
always directed at you
Im sorry if I make you feel small
when thats not what I intend to do
Im sorry for all of the yelling
I always scream so loud
Im sorry that sorry is not enough
to bring you all your love deserves.

To My Beloved

Beautiful moment
forever locked in time.
Warm and comforting
your eyes are my touchstone.
You still captivate my soul
after all of these years.
My love for you like diamonds
faceted so that the light shines everywhere.

Head hurts
simply because Im not pretending anymore
Heart aches
because this place still exsists within my being
fist clinching
wanting to hit some random inatimate object
scream trapped in throat
wanting it all to just subside long enough for me to take a real breath.

My Little Man

Rewind gentle eyes
Let us begin again
When you were soft and small.

I miss you already
Miss your affectionate kisses
From this point, in my heart, you will never grow.

Someday a youth
Someday a man
Always my little angel.

Spark
the infamous threshold
where I trip and fall
and will never be able to walk over with any amount of deliberate grace.

The Illusive Good-bye (for Michael)

Young and wandering....you left my front door
Walked a road I never could have contemplated
Proved me wrong and left me to blame
Indifferent about the whole of what you broke

I know now you were never a friend
But a tiny illusion I let dangle too long
Undenighably your predator
You called my bluff and started to run

All of your stars had burnt out
and I was left there searching for a light I would never find
I didnt want your lucid anguish
I dont want it now

I wanted your sunlight
wanted you to be different
wanted you to be decent
wanted you to exceed your usual boundries of self despair

In hindsight, its unbelievable the chaos I endured
the echo still makes me shudder
but Ive untangled your web and have let it go
You can now slide into hell without my intrusion

Go home little meaningless illusion
You can leave now and never look back
Go home and find your ego satisfied with your plastic diciples
and all of the injustices of your life that you will never find the strength to repair.