2-23-04

One swift breath and I take you in,
Laughing at the irony of the calm that it brings,
Never remembering a time when I felt you this way,
Recalling my indifference, as I watched you slip into decay.

I know this is your moment, but its really about me,
and how I stood there and did nothing, while you were struggling to breathe,
Dont know - when looking down - if you would call me a friend,
or as one of the many who tripped on your bitter end.

2-22-04

SHE FALLS
FROM ROOFTOP
ARMS SPREAD
LIKE WINGS
LET GO
LET IT GO
LET IT BE
FLY AWAY
HOME........

2-21-04

*ANGEL*

Wandering down a misty path,
You emerge, as if out of a dream,
Bright white - like an angel,
So beautiful - breath escapes me.

Ive wandered down so many roads just to find you,
To find this place....this moment,
Then I realize, it was there all along,
Right by my side - in my inescapable view.

You - beautiful and perfect you,
My angel, my grace, the one who has saved my soul,
You have guided me to all the answers,
You have led me home...

2-21-04

Would you sit awhile with me
Would you indulge me this dream
Would you share with me this moment
This first ray of peace

For you are not gone Im certain
I feel you in the air
Its strange in death, how much more than life
Your soul is everywhere

JOURNAL ENTRY FROM 2-20-04

Its strange how time passes and no thought is given to something that later becomes so important. We try so hard to do our best and in the process of living our life - we weed out that which is meaningless and no longer serves a purpose for us. Only to later realize that it did serve a purpose - it did have meaning. It was so important. And we failed.

So to what do we bestow the honor of our attention? How do we sift through the piles of rocks to find the gold? When is it really okay not to deal with something - to not answer a phonecall - to not be a real friend?

I cant think of a time when I understood better - how much we all really need each other.........and what it truely means to be a friend........

12-20-04

REGRET
-such a small word-
[totally incapable of expressing the heaviness of this feeling]

2-20-04

Whispers move through the warm air
Not frightened at all that you may be there
Comforted, knowing your spirit is whole
Even though your body is cold.

2-19-03

Wish we could go back a year - a month - a week
Wish we couldve had the courage to say what was hard to say
Wish we wouldve picked up the phone - the hundreds of times youde call
You just needed a friend
You just needed a kind word
Im sorry - so sorry that regret now fills the void
The space you once occupied
Im sorry that I have to listen to him cry - that he did not help
Im sorry for the words read - that were not your own
We are all so sorry for so many things
Please rest in peace - knowing that at least
our afterthoughts will sadden us forever........

2-18-04

No Tomarrow.........
The sadness seems so surreal
The regret grounds me
So much couldve been done
Nothing was done
Not much was said
When there were a thousand words
Apologizing to a ghost
Too little too late
Maybe we couldnt have saved you
but we didnt even try.....

JOURNAL ENTRY FROM 2-14-04

Unless I focus - I am a mess. The deeper I dig - I realize what an abyss my own private hell is. There are no walls and the space is limitless. I know here - the longer I stay - I could be lost forever. The air here is so heavy - I feel no desire to move. I suck everything in with me....my entire life and the people I love. My percerption of this hell is so surreal...part of me feels at home here. The other half hates this madness and wants to run away. Distressed by what it does to others. I want no more of this - but it keeps sucking me back in. It doesnt want just half of me - it wants the whole. I know in here - in this abyss - there is a lesson......a decision......my lifes work......what I am meant to overcome............ My destiny.

JOURNAL ENTRY FROM 12-13-03

Pondering times of light vs. times of darkness. The light - things small, easy, feeling floating light. The dark - important, surreal, confusing and heavy. In the light I am feeling good because.....I am being "good". But the dark is so necessary. I know that it takes exploring the darkness to understand the light. In the dark, I feel chaotic - because I dont know where Im headed, (destination unknown), unclear - and truth be told - Im terrified and exhilerated all at once. I learn so much and gain tremendous clarity. Who is it that says I always "jump off the deep end"? A motherly voice....her intention to protect. My resistance comes again and again but my guilt grows to mammoth proportions. Maybe theres a key Im missing. Maybe when wandering through darkness - in order to find our way through - its wise to take with us an amount of the light weve attained previous to the darkness (ie. flashlight). Maybe thats what Im not getting. Maybe thats why in the darkness it feels so wrong. Im not wandering, equiped with knowledge. I wander naked, like a fool, that never really learned anything at all. Which she has!!!
She learns easy - just doesnt want to accept certain certainties.....she has to infulence, inspire, reach out and be the light......somehow....without her light. WOW
Its extremely impossible to lead without a light. So whats my light here? Honesty? The willingness to let go? Desirelessness for some return of love? This I do know - in growth, there is an inevitable amount of pain.........

JOURNAL ENTRY FROM 12-12-03

Tonight I sit with a war going on in my throat. My heart is a mess. And my mind, pondering all things dense..........dense - slow to understand, stupid. Like a fool wandering into darkness.....that seems to be me these days. Do I not get it? Why do I try to explain, share, write....express this? An idiot that chooses his own misfortunes wont ever walk in the light.....so why do I care - why try? Leo the Lion on his throne - awaiting his parade of honor --- what shit! I scream out questions, while plugging my ears so not to hear the answers that I dont want to hear. A fool wandering into darkness - and setting up camp.......

FROM 2-9-04

That scent no longer smells of you
it has become my own.
Songs have been lost - given away
no longer mesmerized by dillusions.
The curtain was drawn
and you in time have faded.
I have thought little of you
or your pain and lucid anguish.
Its weird how time can move you
litterally change you.....
Transform you......
Makes you see things clear.
Sadness swallowed me whole in the painfull realization
that you were never going to be the friend I needed you to be.
**************
I am thankful that she opened the blinds
I followed her to the end and she was right
I have seen the sun again.......

FROM 1-14-04

Obsessively exploring the dark corners of my heart,
Wondering how far I could wander into this darkness,
Before falling down exhausted, to find out how deep I really am.

Rummaging through the old shit of unfinished business,
Things I hid away for another day,
Or pain of which I simply couldnt tolerate feeling at the moment.

"This is a mess!" Im thinking,
"So many years of pushing it all away....",
Secretly feeling so sad and so pathetic,
And more than ever feeling alone....so fucking alone.

FROM 1-15-04

You cannot move
You cant feel breath
You want to sleep
And dream of another life.......

FROM 12-27-03

I wanted to think I had all the answers
I wanted to be the brilliant light
I wanted to be the ultimate certainty
I wanted to hold the balance

I now feel empty of purpose here
I know I cannot change the direction of the wind
I accept my fate as the silent giver
A bright star in a vast sky....

FROM 12-26-03

So blessed - yet so unhappy
feel like a shell with nothing inside
dont know yet what im supposed to be
but I feel im growing somewhere despite
know that im becoming more myself
as messed up as that may be
I have to accept my fate...and my tragic weakness
I am trying, stumbling, then crawling
towards whatever there is...waiting for me
THE MOMENT OF EMBARKING
when everything is dark
when new may be scary
and I know for certain what alone really means.

FROM 12-16-03

make the sadness go away
let sleep come
call my insanity - just what it is
only I understand
only I really know
and it doesnt even matter
the painting couldnt be more vauge
couldnt be a more useless expression
my heart has been murdered
it wishes to be forgotten
it cannot feel anymore
it cannot dream anymore
it swallows nothing
hides behind nothing
echos nothing
it has no life force feeding it anymore
its tired, weakened....dead really
no feeling
just numb
numbed by the pain of loving too much
numbed by the pain of loving you..........

FROM 12-16-03

this feeling haunts me
it penetrates so deeply
it unlocks all my secret doors
it somehow knows where I really am...
where I am hidding
I cant hide though
I cant even try
any attempt is futile
it has broken me down
and I am raw and open
exposed to this pain
a pain I will never forget
it wont settle or dissipate
my body wants to purge this but cannot
its opened me up at my core
it is what it is - living and breathing
LUCID ANGUISH

FROM 12-14-03

I find a reason to be myself, its safe and without judgement. Inside I see myself, free and formless. I like who I am here. I am shinning like the sun. My heart grows larger, while the judgements become numb. I am crystal clear and full with purpose. Your chaos - makes me climb my own walls to find sanity and strength. Your lack of desire for life, only deepens and awakens mine. I am an angel here, a guide, a bright light. A birth of a thousand suns releases inside of me. I am beautiful, owning my own intent - to awaken my inner fire --- a light so intense - it blinds.

FROM 12-12-03

What I receive here
I will attain nowhere else
The roses I gather in your feild
Smell like no other

FROM 12-12-03

Learning so much in this twisted web
Chaos consumes me and I let it in
Eager and willing for its pain
.....So that I may understand.

FROM 12-12-03

EROS
in my hand
you needed me then.........

Touch me nomore
untangle this lie
cast your shadow
in another direction

Angel - you are darkness..........

FROM 12-10-03

ERASE THE DARK HERE
please come back and erase the dark
demon angel with broken wings
why cant I eradicate you from me
why am I this hollow tube
sucking you back into being
as if you really ever existed at all
please take this thing back
let go of me
help me let go of you
Bring me misery no more

FROM 12-08-03 (remembering ridding with Michael)

Riding in cars at night
Snow dancing in circles
music echoing my heart
seems so surreal
One of those perfect moments
when you know without doubt
that God is watching
and taking you home......

FROM 12-07-03

Trapped inside this feeling of serenity and pain,
Realization of bitter truths Im unwilling to accept,
Ive been found out - Im chest deep in my troubles,
With no want or desire to move my lifeless body.
Ive swallowed this decay whole,
If only I could purge this from my being,
And come out unscathed and reborn,
---rise up little pheonix.

Emerging from the ground floor.......